Navigating Autoimmune as a New Mom
This little squish is 7 years old today!
It’s hard to believe 7 years have gone bye. The years have been a blink, and certain days or even weeks of his life have seen time seemingly stand still.
I tend get a little reflective each year around N’s birthday. Not only do I find myself laughing and crying; reliving the funny, cute and sweet moments leading up to year 7 (He’s not my baby anymore and that guts me a little. Children growing up is so bittersweet!), but also because so much of his coming into this world is tied to my autoimmune experience.
I was 5 months pregnant with him when my first bout of uveitis hit. He was 5 months old when uveitis and psoriatic arthritis would team up to take me down, setting me up for my official diagnoses 4 months later.
Throughout his early life, I’ve shouldered the weight of guilt that came with being a “sick mom.”
Was I able to give him what he needed?
Did I hurt him while he was in my belly because I got sick?
Since his birth, he’s had health issues, although relatively minor in the scheme of things, but he’s been through scary ailments of much more concern compared to normal colds and blips of sickness his older brother has ever experienced. Was that because of me?
His adverse reactions to foods, chemicals and even insect bites – did I cause that?
It may sound silly to assume so much responsibility for something so far out of my control, but mom guilt is a bitch.
Protecting your children is one of the most important responsibilities a parent has in a child’s earliest years. For awhile I truly felt I had failed him. And to be completely honest, the questions still echo quietly in the recesses of my mind when something unusual happens with his health.
N’s birth, proof of God’s sweet promise after a storm and the loss of a baby before him, as it turned out also foreshadowed a beautiful promise of everything else that was to come after he was here.
I never would have chosen to get sick.
I mean, who would?! And I wish things had been different in the timing of when my autoimmune symptoms first appeared. I wish both my boys would have been here safely before chronic illness darkened my door, but that would have been my timing and that’s not generally how God works.
I have often wondered if N’s pregnancy was the straw that broke my proverbial camel’s back. Now before I go any further, I want to be crystal clear in saying he did not make me sick. I don’t blame his birth on my illnesses. I truly believe prior to getting pregnant with him my body was already on a downward trajectory… I just didn’t realize it.
And I’m not the only one.
Most diagnoses of autoimmune conditions occur in women in their childbearing years.
An increased risk of developing an autoimmune disorder during pregnancy, or within the first year after giving birth, has been observed. I’ve seen this same trend play out with many of the women I have worked with as well.
I don’t think it is any coincidence that hormones, which play such a crucial role in regulating our overall health (and why this is a focus in my programs), are so precarious during pregnancy and after delivery. Our tender bodies are out of sorts during these precious months, and anything that was already there, lying in wait, has the golden opportunity to rear it’s troublesome head.
So no, N didn’t make me sick. And even if his birth played a role in what happened to my health, I’d never change a thing.
Deeply Grateful
As I sit here today with a lot of feelings bubbling up and leaking out of my eyes, my heart is so full.
N’s birth changed my life. He changed our family, yes, but his addition came with much more shifting and maneuvering than adding another member to our crew typically would. Nothing was the same after him.
Would I have chosen to get sick? No, but when I did, it opened a new world to me. My illnesses allowed me to see things differently, clearly, and make choices I otherwise would not have gotten to. In learning how to heal from my autoimmune conditions, I learned how to fully live.
And that is a gift I will forever be thankful for.
Overcoming chronic illness taught me to listen to my intuition, which had long been in hiding after ignoring it for so long. It taught me to trust myself and to trust my voice and to use both liberally. It taught me to step into courage and strength instead of crumpling to fear.
What I learned in healing set me up for knowing what to do and where to turn when N had a reaction to a routine vaccination. It was the catalyst to leaving a career I loved, to follow my passion and help other women recover their health from autoimmune disorders too.
I have so much gratitude today for where life has led me. It has been such an unexpected journey, and one I may not have picked, but one that God laid at my feet and allowed me to walk a new path.
N’s birth did do that.
He has been a gift from the moment the plus sign appeared, confirming his presence. He’s joy personified. He’s a challenger and fights (literally and figuratively) for what he wants.
And he taught his mom to do the same.
