Change. Are you someone who loves or hates change? Someone who thrives on the unknown or someone who can barely function outside of routine? Do you enjoy flying by the seat of you pants or is structure your best friend? I fall somewhere in the middle, but for sure lean towards familiarity and routine.
I have been employed at my job for almost 15 years now. Outside of a few temporary assignments, I have always worked within the same division of my office. Within that division, I have worked in different areas and have held various roles, but I have always worked out of the same office. I have been in my current position for 5 1/2 of my 15 years.
I love where I work. The atmosphere in my office has always been that of one big family. With some of my co-workers, we have truly become close friends who now feel like siblings. I love my current assignment. When the opportunity unexpectedly presented itself to apply for the position over five years ago, I jumped at the chance. Not only was it a promotion, but it was to do something I knew I would be good at. And I was good at it. I still am. I was never happier and I enjoyed going to work every day.
Then things changed. Without going into specifics, I’ll say that management changed on several levels and moral diminished. Quickly. I started experiencing higher levels of stress at work. I work in what can be a stressful job, so the fact that I was experiencing some extra tension wasn’t alarming. Not at first. Then I noticed I was complaining. Like a lot. I grew less and less excited in the mornings to go to a job I loved. I was short tempered with my kids. I was more annoyed with little inconveniences and aggravations. I was railing to my husband regularly about this or that and why it pissed me off. Every day. The worst part was I knew I was doing it and yet couldn’t seem to stop myself. My nature is not that of a complainer but I was doing it so often it was as if whining was my new job. Work was taking its toll. Not only was I miserable, but my unhappiness was affecting those around me. Especially those closest to me.
Despite all logic, I hung in there. My husband suggested I consider putting in for a new job within my company. No. It will get better, I thought. But it didn’t. I tried focusing on things that would make me happy outside of work, but by the time I was home and could focus on anything “me” related it was after the kids were in bed and I was drained. I often found myself mindlessly watching TV or scrolling social media with a glass of wine within arms reach. I didn’t like who I was becoming. It finally got to be too much.
A couple of weeks ago, another unexpected opportunity arose. An opening in a completely different division, doing a totally different job. This new assignment would be doing something different than any other job I have held. It would be working in an area I was unfamiliar with and with people who I did not know. Not being a fan of change, I hesitated. As unhappy as I was I was also afraid of uprooting my work life. My assigned division was home. Home had gotten pretty crappy, but it was still home. Add to that, it would mean leaving my co-workers. Through all the negativity at work, my co-workers and I had remained a tight unit. We had always gotten along well, but we had been unified by being in the trenches together. We understood each others’ plight. These were people I was close to and truly enjoyed spending my days with because, even on the worst day, I knew they had my back just as I had theirs.
I was scared to even apply. Why do self-imposed changes feel the hardest? I guess it has to do with the fear of failure. If there is no decision to change, you cannot fail. If you decide to do something different, and it doesn’t work out then the failure is yours and yours alone. I was afraid of making the wrong choice. I was afraid of looking stupid. I was afraid of the unknown, even if that meant missing out of a great opportunity. The devil you know, right?
As scared as I was to apply, ultimately it boiled down to I needed the change. I was afraid to get the new position, but I was more afraid of not getting it and what that would mean.
I did end up getting that new job. I start Monday. I’m very excited, but also nervous. I don’t know if I’ll be any good in this new spot. My past work experiences will factor into what I am going to be doing, but it’s different and I don’t know if I’ll be good at it. Maybe that’s just self doubt screaming I don’t deserve this. The fear of looking stupid or of having made the wrong choice is alive and well.
The goodbyes were hard. I know I’ll remain in touch with my work brothers. We already have plans for regular lunch meets. But leaving on Friday and saying, “See you later” rather than “Goodbye” was still incredibly sad. It always is when expectations don’t meet reality. That being said, the weight already lifted has been worth all the nerves and “what ifs”.
Change, major change, has always been something I resisted. But change is inevitable. Staying where I was, in the job I loved and saw myself remaining in indefinitely, didn’t stop change from happening. In my heart of hearts, I know I made the right decision. I’m choosing to rebrand my anxious nerves as excited and I am hopeful for where these upcoming changes will lead.
